The Journey Home part 2 of Awakening

The Journey Home

By Sidney Tucker

I vaguely remember the details of the night before but why I had come to this cliff I remembered well. I looked out over the edge and thought, why am I still alive? Why must I face the pain again? I could see out over gorge below seeing the trees fighting one another to reaching high for the sun. I sat back down for a min this time to take in all the beauty of nature. I looked to my left and I saw an Eagle take to flight. Its massive wings beating downward taking it higher and higher then spreading them outward to just hover then glide on the wind. The majesty of the moment caught my breath and I couldn’t take my eyes away. Everything seem to make sense to me, life is beautiful.

I started home, I climbed in my truck and I headed down the road still thinking of how close I came to throwing everything away, and my revelation of god. I still had 3 hours of driving ahead of me and didn’t know where to go. As if by itself my truck hum, rattled, and made its way back home. The closer I got the more I wanted to talk to my dad. He always knew what to say no matter what and the advice he gave was always on the money. I just wish I had listened more often. I knew I needed to go see him, so I turned the wheel and away I went down the road past home back out into the country. I watched as the city streets became smaller and the buildings become further apart until the sidewalks were rolling green pastures with cows grazing the day away without a care in the world.

My truck turned into the drive and came to a stop. I crawled out and grabbed my folding chair from the back the one I always took camping. I saw dad and walked up beside him and sat down in the chair. I cleaned the leaves and sticks off his stone and sighed. “I need you daddy. I miss you so much.” I said aloud before the tears overtook me again. With my head in my hands I wept for what seemed like hours. “Why did you have to leave me so soon?” But I knew. A body can only last so long ravaged by disease. Life had taken its toll, and dad knew it was time. He went in search of god and found him before the end. Everyone said how wonderful that was all I knew was I lost my daddy. I wanted my daddy now more then ever and I couldn’t have him. I couldn’t hear the story he would tell that would make this better, or that little wisdom that would tell me what I needed to do.

I had lost my faith in god and even stopped believing in him. I lost my father and friend, and now I’m losing my mind. I heard a noise and turned to see an old man making his way through the marker stones heading my way. I stood to see and knew I knew the man but couldn’t for the life on me place him. “Evening.” He said in a voice from my memory but still could not place it. I replied back with the greatest respect I could give an elder as my daddy had taught me. The old man approached me wearing old work pants like mechanics would wear with the work shirt to match and tucked in the kind with the pocket on the left breast, and black shoes that had the brightest shine. “Nice day wouldn’t you say.” He said and I had to agree. He made his way to where I stood and asked if I would mind as he pointed to the chair. “No, please have a seat.” I said stepping out of his way, and squatting beside him as he sat.

“Thank you young man, I can see your father taught you well.” I smiled thinking I wish dad knew that because while he was alive I’m sure he wondered if anything sunk in. “I normally don’t ease drop mind you but you were talking rather loudly and I heard some of what you said a moment ago, and I would like to offer an ear if you would to your problems at hand. I have lived a good while and lord knows I don’t know a lot but maybe I could help.” I smiled at the old man still digging in my mind where I knew him or who he reminded me of. “Thank you sir, but I don’t share with others very well. I have learned a long time ago to lock away my feelings and not to let them out freely.” He looked at me for a moment and then asked “Have you tried talking with God?” “I’m sorry sir I don’t mean to offend but I don’t know if I believe in god.” I offered back.

“Yes you believe you choose not to acknowledge him there is a difference. You have seen the works of God first hand and know he’s there. You just try to push him down and away. Maybe because you’re mad at him, blame him for something. Only you know for sure. You say you can’t share your feelings with people maybe you could talk to God. He will listen, even help you find an answer you’re looking for. But unlike pushy old men God won’t come to you. You have to go to him.” I smiled and told him thank you but god has no use for the likes of me. The man smiled. “Really, you think god wouldn’t care for you and why is that?” “The things I have done, said, and I don’t believe or acknowledge him as you put it.” “We all have done bad things my boy. I have killed a man. Mind you that was many years ago in a war but I did it with joy. They killed ours so we killed theirs. That was sin in itself. I asked God to forgive me and he did. When I knew I needed more in my life I found him. I knew I wanted a better life and he gave it to me when I gave myself to him, all of me not just this part or that but all of me.”

We sat in the quite for a minute and I thought about what he had said. I did believe in god and after last night there was no doubt. “I do believe in god I just don’t know what to say I have never been very religious. I wouldn’t know the first place to start.” The old man smiled a toothy grin that said he wore dentures. “My boy you have started down the road as little as you know. Just know God loves you.” “How do I know that?” “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. That’s John 3:16-17, do you understand it? It means that God so loved us all he gave us his only son to die so we can thru him reach god and ask for forgiveness of our sins. To be the bridge to God so we may be with him forever in heaven.”

I looked at the old man and tears were in his eyes. I could see he really believed and was faithful to it. “See son what you don’t understand is God will guide you thru this life to do things in his name and glory. He will show you the path and sometimes it’s a hard one. One so you will learn as you go. Like this boy I once knew, always from the day I met him wanted to be a doctor. Made it to medical school, but the money wasn’t there. He made it thru 3 years and his father died and school loans where hard to come by back then. So the young man did what else he wanted to do work on cars. But instead of a hobby it was his life’s blood. One day while driving home from work an ambulance passed him with lights a blinking and horn a blearing and then stopped dead. He jumps out of his truck to see what was wrong. They had a little girl in the back in a bad way and it would be too long to wait for another ambulance to get there so they were at a loss. The young man popped the hood and looked to see what was wrong found the problem and had them going in less then 5 minutes. The girl makes it to the hospital and lives thanks to a mechanic that once wanted to be something else. Was that God guiding him I think so. But that’s just me I sometimes see more then others. So you see just because your hurting now doesn’t mean something good isn’t coming it just may not be the something good you want.” I smiled at the old man. He made a lot of sense. “My father was a mechanic he dressed a lot like you do. He was a good man. I hope he’s resting well.” I said just to be talking.

“I’m sure he is and proud of you to. You’re a good man I can see that.” “Can I take you somewhere or drop you some place?” I asked him. “No I still have some more old friends to see and someone will be along shortly. Thank you for asking.” I gathered my chair and headed for my truck. When I heard the old man speak again and this time I knew the voice. “Son please, think about the lord and stay away from cliffs.” I dropped my chair and turned quickly with the word daddy falling from my mouth. The old man was gone. I ran back to where we were looking everywhere. He was nowhere. I looked down at my dad’s stone and fell to my knees “Thank you God” was all I could say.

Awakening

Awakening
By Sidney Tucker

The moon shown bright that night when I looked up at the blackened sky. The stars glimmered here and there not a cloud to disturb the view. I walked along looking up trying to make sense of all that has happened in my life. I work hard and I try to do the right thing but I kept getting knocked down. Tonight I thought I won’t be knocked down anymore. No one cares if I’m here or there I just don’t want to hurt anymore. I looked over the edge and saw the pit of blackness that by day was the valley floor below. One hundred and fifty feet below I could barely make out the tops of the trees. I could hear the owls hoot and rustling of wings as they took off from their perch hunting for the night’s meal. I took in all this beauty without really seeing it clouded by my own misery.

My head was full of self-pity, doubt, and fear. I sat down on the edge of the cliff and just closed my eyes listening to the sounds of nature. So peaceful was it all I didn’t want to leave I wanted to join the birds in their flight of the night and just have the pain to stop. Tears formed in my eyes as I started to cry not truly knowing why. I cried out aloud to the night. “Where are YOU? Why don’t I feel you inside me? DAMN YOU GOD! DAMN YOU TO HELL!” My head drooped and I cried, and I cried. When my sobs came under control I knew it was time. I didn’t want to feel the pain anymore I just wanted to sleep sweet peaceful sleep. Why did I go to my truck that I will never know, but I did. The final good bye, maybe to scrawl something on paper saying I of sound mind, yeah me of sound mind. I laughed at the thought, I laughed so hard I thought I would be sick. Then I remembered why I was there.

I found some paper and a pen and then I saw there was something on the page. I reach in and turned on the light and written in red the first line “What Must I DO To Be Saved?” I laughed and threw it in the truck. There’s no God never has been. Yeah I believed when I was a kid, okay I believed when I was 20 you had to have that hum yeah I believed when my son was born that was a miracle. A little life appearing out of no where and needed me to take care of him, and I have watched him grow and he loves me as much as I do him. “OH god where are you? I need help I really do. I don’t know what to do or where to turn I’m so alone. I want to die.” I stood up and the piece of paper I had thrown into the truck blew back toward me. I looked at it again. I went back to the cliffs edge and sat my paper still in my hand. “If your there lord I’m sorry, I’m sorry for not believing. I need help, I hurt so badly.” I must have fallen to sleep because I woke and the sun shown bright and another day had come.

I looked over the edge of the cliff where I had been sleeping and saw below jagged rocks jetting out here and there to be covered further out by lush green trees. You could hear the bird of morning singing their songs. I looked up into the bluest blue sky I had ever seen. I slowly stood up my body stiff from sleeping on the ground. My mind was clear and I felt strong and energized. In my hand was the piece of paper from last night I opened it again and re-read the red print “How Much Would You Like To Save?” It was a letter from my bank, about saving accounts. That’s not what I remembered. I walked back to my truck where I left it. The windows were up and the doors locked. I don’t remember closing the door to my truck nor the windows being up. How did the paper blow back to me if the window was up? “Now I believe” I said to myself as a tear formed in my eye, “now I believe.”